Which year of marriage is the hardest?...the one when you hear the word ...cancer.

We were recently at a party with mixed company, long married couples, some not yet married and us at our 6 anniversary.  My husband and I were asked which year of marriage was the hardest, we both looked at each other and said in unison, the first. It would expected that we would say we fought over silly things like who got what side of the bed, what to set the thermostat at, or finances, like most newlyweds. Our first year was a little more traumatic than that. 

We were engaged on New years Eve 2008, at home in my jammies , looking at a magazine, he couldn't resist me. We planned our wedding in nine months for the 6th of September 2008, it was a gorgeous fantastic day, I couldn't have asked for more, except for it to last even longer. We had been together since December of 2003, so we were ready to start a family, right to the point! In February we learned that we were pregnant, no problems. We found out we were having a girl, so of course her name would be Campbell, a name I had claimed as a teen. It was my great grandparents last name, and the perfect name for our daughter. We went happily through the spring and start of the summer. I was busy with my 4-H club and also subbing and TSSing. I had been bugging Joe to get this mole on his shoulder looked at and removed. I urged him to get it removed, just cause it was yucky. It was removed and we went on with the summer. Not unlike years past I was at the fair doing what I do, running like a chicken with no head, now 7 months pregnant. It was Tuesday of the fair, a busy show day was coming up. And then I saw Joe walking through the barn towards me. I asked him what  he was doing there, he rarely gets to enjoy the fair during the days since he was working. He didn't say a thing, He just looked horrified.  I was scared now so we went to the camper where we could talk, then he told me the doctor had just called him and told him he had melanoma. My words were "this is the worst thing that could ever happen" we dropped everything, his Doctor had told him he got him an appointment that day in Pittsburgh at Hillman, we had to leave right then to get there. We told my parents and Joe's parents and we were headed south to Pittsburgh, both clueless and scared out of our minds. 

When we arrived the receptionist asked us if we filled out of paperwork and brought it with us, we told her we found out exactly 1.5 hours ago, no we didn't have paperwork filled out. We met with Joe's new doctor, met the PA (who was one of the best assets we could have had, we owe so much to this staff of professionals). It was decided that they would take a bigger excision site that month August, this unfortunately came back not clear. In September they did a dye test to see if it was going to any lymph nods, yes again not good news. The dye traveled to two lymph nods , which came back with cancer cells. Every time it was bad news, worse news, our due date getting closer the future looked grim. On October 25th, our due date Joe was scheduled for surgery at Magees Women's hospital to remove all the lymphs under his arm, to get them out in case anymore had been affected by the now traveling cancer. A total of about 32 were taken out after hours in surgery. I was praying the whole time "please Campbell don't choose today as your birthday". We drove home that night, my mom, Joe's parents, Joe and I in the early morning hours. Baby Campbell was a really good listener, she had to be evicted one week later on November 2nd. We were so happy, ecstatic, ready to go on and enjoy our baby. I still remember Joe having his drain tube still in his back while at the hospital. A reminder of all that was going on with him. The results of this surgery were good, no cancer had spread to any of the other lymphnodes. We were about ready to pack up and head home and enjoy our new baby. That is when the Dr. said "where do you want us to send you for treatment?" What? No one had said anything about treatments. Still not out of the woods. After much discussion, we decided that treatments were the next step. 

The Doctor decided interferon treatments would be a beneficial step to boost Joe's ability to fight any other cancer that might try to come back. He would go to Erie everyday, which is a good 40 minute trip in December from our house to get treatment. Joe started at the end of November and his last treatment would be Christmas eve day. So now Joe, Campbell and I would pack up in the jeep (which had a malfunctioning heater at the time) to head to Erie. Everyday I could see him decline, the Dr. said he would feel like he had the flu. Joe reacted negatively from the beginning , everyday we would go he felt worse, looked worse. In my mind I will always have a vision of having to push him in a wheelchair, he was unable to walk into the building. He had lost so much weight. It was like watching him die a little everyday. We thought that this was supposed to be building him up. We of course had Campbell with us everyday and she was not aloud back in the treatment room, so she and I would sit and rock in the glider rocker in the waiting room. I was nursing her exclusively, and like any first time mom I was a little nervous about nursing her in public. The first time I had to feed her I took her to the bathroom and sat in the stall and as I sat there I got mad at myself for making her eat in the bathroom. I decided that day, I wouldn't be ashamed for doing what was best for her in my mind, I sat in the waiting room from then on and I would feed her in the open, well with my  cover on. But I figured I had enough to deal with, I didn't have the energy to go feed my baby in hiding. Some days I would visit with some other people waiting for their loved ones. A few days Joe's aunt or Mom would be able to go with us so I could go sit with Joe and they would wait with Campbell. One day a man came to me, he had lost his wife to cancer and he handed me a gift card to Panera Bread and told me to enjoy with with my husband. As Christmas approached a social worker came to talk to me in the waiting room. She told me that the staff adopted a family every Christmas, and they had chosen us. Before we left after Joe's last treatment, they gave us a stack of gifts to open and also gift cards to all of favorite stores. It was one of the worst months of our lives, one ray of hope were people that supported us and helped us get by. We were done traveling but treatment was not over yet. Starting in the new year Joe had to give himself shots of interferon three times a week, still it made him feel terrible and he was unable to go back to work. In late winter our families and my 4-H families had planned a pizza hut benefit, I have never seen so many people reaching out to us. Also our local American Legion and our friends there had planned a benefit spaghetti dinner for our family. We live in a fixer upper and it had been a work in progress, one day in the new year one of Joe's good friends brought a whole crew of men over and finished putting our insulation on the outside of the house.  It was overwhelming the love and support that our whole community gave us. 

Headed into summer that year Joe said he was done with treatments, he couldn't do it anymore. He regained strength and  was able to go back to work.  He was able to return to the job he left temporarily. Joe had follow ups every month for awhile, then it was every three months, then every six months.  This summer was his 5th year out from his diagnosis. He has had a few scares in that time and lots of moles removed, but he has a clean bill of health right now. 

When I think back on this time it seems so long ago but writing about it now has brought up emotions that are raw still, and might always be. One thing Joe always did was sing this silly song to me, he would sing one to me before we had the girls, and then when we had them he changed it to include them. I knew it was bad when I didn't hear him singing this silly song to me anymore. Every other day I didn't pay much attention to it till it was no longer there. Just like the song says you never really know what you got till it's gone. Thankfully we were able to have another healthy baby, and Joe's silly song has returned. My girls won't remember when that song wasn't being sung, maybe it's better that way.  I am thankful for that first year of our marriage, what we learned about each other and what we were made of, how we truly did make it through sickness, how we came out the other side with two beautiful girls. 

I heard someone say once in regards to my husband "it's only skin cancer" No kind of cancer, is "just" cancer. Melanoma left untreated can certainly be fatal. Be kind your birthday suit! So there will be many more birthdays to wear it to. I am always up on my soap box about wearing sunscreen. Some knew the reason why, some didn't, but now you do.  Your chance of melanoma can greatly be reduced by using sunscreen, preferably with zinc oxide. For more information follow the link below. 

http://www.skincancer.org/skin-cancer-information/melanoma

Five moms failures do actually equal a win win

My girls are in their beds, dishes done, floors all swept and mopped, while I was doing this nightly ritual that I believe helps me sleep better at night (undiagnosed OCD) I was thinking about my failures as a mom. Now before you think this is going to be a downer....stay tuned.  Being a work at home mom is a hard job, I know it, some of my mom friends know it. I have no experience being a mom who works outside the home BUT I am not a basher, I know you have your struggles to. I have mom friends who do that also.  Any mom, any situation, has struggles and also precious moments. Moms rock no matter what paths they take in raising their children! I  am a strong believer in following your heart and your gut when raising, teaching, and helping little humans grow into adults that will someday run this world. 

Onto my epic fails I need to recognize. 

1. I am horrible with sippy cups. I never used bottles so I didn't get that training of washing, sanitizing and being responsible for keeping track of drinking vessels. When my girls got old enough to use sippy cups it was not very long before I stared to find science experiments in them. I think I created the perfect recipe for cottage cheese, which starts out like this, pour milk into sippy cup, close tightly, place under the seat of your car, wait two weeks...... I also think I had a pretty good recipe of jailhouse hooch. I would find them everywhere, under my couch, (which only gets moves about once every two weeks) in the back of the car, in the diaper bag. Needless to say most of the sippy cups made it through one use under my supervision. 

2. I usually let our children eat like heathens during the day. When Joe gets home and it is time to be civilized we will eat at the table, but pretty much all day it is a free for all. But usually my dining room table is usually covered with sewing projects, cutting utensils, the hot iron.... I just say nah I'm not moving all that, here let me get you the end table. 

3. I have a wretchedly dirty jeep. Right now as we speak the whole back seat floor of the jeep is filled with toys, backpacks (which reminds me I have to pack Tootie's lunch), clothes, hats, mittens, shoes. One time in particular I carried in 14 pairs of shoes from my car! 14! I only have two children! I also have two garbage bags of clothes to be donated, I am trying to be a reformed pack rat. The front seat is a little different, the back seat is thanks to my child hoarder Lennox Rose who needs to take a tote bag of her babies everywhere we go. The front seat though you will clearly see who's clutter that is, coffee cups, shopping lists, lip gloss. Yup that is all me. We are in deep. Thank goodness for tinted windows or people may think we are living out my jeep. 

4. During my nightly sweep of the floors, I am guilty of "accidentally" tossing toys. That lip gloss that has no cap, the happy meal toy from two weeks ago, that half sheet of old stickers....yup it is all going in the trash never to be seen again. I have never gotten caught by one of girls asking about a missing trinket. No harm no foul. 

5. When I am busy in my stitchery, and with being a mom and keeping my hubby happy and healthy the one thing that I let slip is folding clothes. I can take all of it up to our room, no one has to see it except Joe and me, I will get to it when I get to it,that is my philosophy.  The green light that lets me  know I should probably do that is when my husband can't find any socks at 5 in the morning. Then I usually get it done that day. Lazy bones. I also know that it has gone on way to long when I actually get a sore back from folding laundry. Maybe I like to feel like I conquered something, like running a 5K or hiking a mountain, I want to feel the burn. 

I guess just like any job one would have there will be strengthens and weaknesses. I guess I can deal with a messy car, couch, a mountain of laundry if I get to snuggle my babies, read them a book, enjoy seeing them all day and have time to make my husband meals he enjoys and also have time to carve out for ourselves. I guess 5 mom failures equal a win win! 

Sew long for now, I have to go pack a lunch, and fold laundry and I am ear deep in Christmas stockings..... ~ Jess

The story of the stockings

I recently found this picture in my many files of pictures stored on my computer. I am a bit of a photo freak and take pictures and save pictures like a squirrel storing nuts for the winter. 

This journey of stockings started about 10 years back when I was living with my boyfriend (now husband) in Cambridge and took some quilting classes. The quilt shop was owned by my cousins and I could walk there, so I would carry my little machine over the railroads tracks and attended class. It was fall time and Joe was ready to go out of town for bear (beer) camp. To hunt and hang out with all his buddies (no girls at beer camp), my plan was to sew! In our quiet small apartment I would stay up late and sew and work on projects. I was a little bit of a Christmas decorating spaz back then and I decided all our decorations would be gold, silver and white and that was it! So I worked on making these stockings and a matching tree skirt so they would be ready when he returned in a few days. We used these stockings for our first Christmas in our apartment. I love them, they are beautiful. We got married in 2008 and have used out stockings every year since I made them. 

 So when we decided to have children I knew that I would add to our collection, I added Campbell's in 2009 and Lennox's in 2012. This past Christmas I was asked by a family member if I could make some stockings for a family that was looking for personalized stockings. Sure thing! I love to make these pieced stockings! I posted them online and I got an overwhelming response to them! I started in fall and by Christmas I had made 36 stockings! During this time I had lost my position as a work at home stitcher for a local company. I knew I needed a way to be able to stay at home and be with our girls and still be able to make a little money to help my husband with finances. After the great response to my stockings, I decided that I could start my own business. And in the new year Tootie and Peach Stitchery was born. I love to think about the families that have ordered stockings having such a wonderful keepsake for many Christmases to come, bringing them out of their decorations tote and hanging them up. It makes my heart smile. 

Every time I think of new ideas and new fabric and that our stockings aren't personalized (the embroidery machine came later on) I have thoughts of updating my family's stockings, but I just can't do it. I have my heart sewn in these stockings. All the time I sat up working on these special projects, thinking about starting our life together, meeting our babies and all the Christmas mornings when we would peek in our stocking  and see what was inside. I do not have it in my heart to throw out the old and replace with new, even so early in our lives together, so many memories have been tied to these stockings. 

Taking a class nearly ten years ago, has lead me to a set of four beautiful stockings (will there be more to be added?) a successful Christmas season of making stockings that gave me the confidence to open my home based sewing business. 25.00 very well spent :)  

She thought she could, Sew she did ~ Jess

A blog?

I am a work at home mom, trying to raise two good girls, keep a husband happy, and run a small business out of my dining room (quickly becoming my sewing room). My page on Facebook is my showcase of all my projects, failures, wins, and a little bit of fun with my everyday life. I share my projects, some tips, and sell handmade items, mostly revolving around children, book bag tags, clothes, birthday shirts, tutus, headbands, all kinds of one of a kind cuteness. 

Someone wrote a comment to me and said " I love following your blog" and I was like what I don't really write a blog, do I? Um so I set out to see what a blog was, do I need to write one, who would even see a blog that I wrote, who would even need to take time out of their day to read it? I read that there are 156 million public blogs on the web! Whoa! One little blog about a work at home mom.....is that interesting? It is just life for me. One of my guilty pleasures that get me through the days (besides homemade wine and eggless cookie dough) I like to sneak in Sex and the City reruns while my girls are sleeping or otherwise occupied. I feel very "Carrie Bradshaw" sitting at my computer typing my thoughts and some grand ideas about life.  

I will see what I can come up with....... sew long for now ~ Jess Rae